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It's Xmas Eve and I
can't see the ceiling for the bunk-bed where my brother's sleeping. And
for the ceiling I can't see the sky 'cause thinking-bubbles block my
eyes. I'm surprised at how little is visible aside from flashing
light-bulbs that are blinding. What I might've speculated is that
this was a burst of genius and so it doesn't matter if it's late or I'm
tired; I'm gonna get these thoughts inscribed, and get a little kick
out of this self-denial, though it's just the victory of one desire
over another. So I'll wait until my brain runs dry and satisfied,
pull up the covers. It's Christmas Eve and I can't see my eyelids
'cause my sugar-plums are taller and wider, and denser and more
complex, and I have to plan ahead 'cause every Xmas morning I wake up
and make them myself.
Dip it low, it's where the trees grow. Just look at the hills that divide the valley from the coast. East of the forest and west of the bay, the ones that turn green and blond seasonally. Dip it low, it's where the trees grow. Just look at the hills that divide the valley from the coast. Through the forest looking for the bay, the wind races over where I stay. We crossed this border, my family, and went to the beach. We stayed there and we were given time like it was a gift...and my mind wandered. It surfaced in my head, like it had already been there, "I'm gonna build something permenent, with my brain, hands, stomach trained in unison. By the ocean the winds pick up, and push the sky closer; to take something that's pushed on us and make it mine, oh. The genius is in doing it. Kneeled on the ground, feeling for the stronger parts of reeds that I cut down on a field at the campground. If it works like it's supposed to, it could pull me across land and water and most terrain. It would be more than human. We got it up there, but it wouldn't take us with it. We were stupid to stare at the sky like it's got no limits. By the ocean the winds pick up, and push the sky closer; to take something that's pushed on us and make it mine, oh! Staying on my feet; pretending I'm at a party. Being happy that no one can see me. And I'm not afraid to dance, but relying on my heart rate is dangerous. 'Cause it might slow down when the drums stop or be jostled by embarrassment when I realize I'm being watched. And it might get off rhythm. And it might stop it my sleep for any number of reasons. If I'm running somewhere like I'm trying to catch a train, I have to continue to pray that my body doesn't fail me. And if I take a car, then I might crash. But the same thing might happen if I walk too fast. Relying on my heart rate is dangerous. 'Cause it might slow down when the drums stop or be jostled by embarrassment when I realize I'm being watched. And it might get off rhythm. And it might stop it my sleep for any number of reasons. 'Cause it might slow down when the drums stop or be jostled by embarrassment when I realize I'm being watched. And it might get off rhythm. And it might stop it my sleep for any number of reasons. And sometimes I get nervous, and my heart rate accelerates. But is it this nervousness that makes my heart rate fast, or is it my body parts that give me all my feelings? It's dangerous! I would see them on the train sometimes. Bay Meadows is the stop between Hillsdale and Hayward Park. Sometimes going to the city I would see them - that's how my infatuation began. Ranging from 5' to 5'7", all too tall for their polyester pants. Comb-overs and the occasional woolen cap gave me such excitement. Bay Meadows Race Track, receive me. I know it's a long shot but futility's never stopped me yet. Bay Meadows Race Track, give me a chance to blow my money with the beautiful and picturesque. I would see them getting on the train. Maybe 6 to 8 men coming home after the races. And I'm obsessed with it'cause it seems like it never changes. That's how I fell in love with these men. And every time I see them I wish I could be in their posse. But I wasn't born it China between 1910 and 1940. Bay Meadows Race Track, recieve me. I know it's a long shot but futility's never stopped me yet. Bay Meadows Race Track, give me a chance to blow my money with the beautiful and picturesque. Bay Meadows Race Track, recieve me. I know it's a long shot but futility's never stopped me yet. Bay Meadows Race Track, give me a chance to blow my money with the beautiful and picturesque. Give me shrugging shoulders! Wool! Slips of paper that move when the wind blows them! And they'll cover the floor. And they'll cover the floor. Give me shrugging shoulders! Wool! Slips of paper that move when the wind blows them! And they'll cover the floor. And they'll cover the floor. Someday God will pick me up in an old freight-train and take to a lush forest of industry. Where I'll live off aesthetics and newspapers. Someday God will pick me up in an old freight-train and take to a lush forest of industry. Where I'll live off aesthetics and newspapers. And I'll die happy there. I'll die happy there. He looks so peacefull, just like he's sleeping. No visible blood, bones hiding in his skin. Lying on his side, hands near his chin. Organs tucked away, no bleeding. I baked a salmon for a holiday dinner, covered in aluminum to keep its body moist. When it was finished I removed the foil, but it stuck and I pulled the skin from its face. Ooh hoo, it was terrible! Oh, it was terrible! Oh ho ooh, it was terrible! Oh oh oh... And if you've tried to mourn consistently then you must know it isn't worth the effort. And when you try to force a lump or tear, you can end up just giving yourself a headache. He looks so peacefull, just like he's sleeping. No visible blood, bones hiding in his skin. Lying on his side, hands near his chin. Organs tucked away, no bleeding. Biology class - dissecting frozen pregnant sharks. Supermarket aisle - pig's feet preserved in a jar. Squirrels, rabbits, deer and flies - misshaps, murders, suicides. Pancreas, spleen, kidney, stomach - oh, we see it all when we drive! And if you've tried to mourn consistently then you must know it isn't worth the effort. And when you try to force a lump or tear, you can end up just giving yourself a headache. And if you've tried to mourn consistently then you must know it isn't worth the effort. And when you try to force a lump or tear, you can end up just giving yourself a headache. Oh, just giving yourself a headache. 2 bags: 1 paper 1 plastic, the plastic one to keep it clean and the paper one to mask it. I pull up the car and park it. I put one bag in a compartment in my hat; that one's the plastic. I put the paper one in the pocket of my jacket. I don't consider this plan immaculate; that's why it's only a backup. I walk down the path to the apartment. Go to stairs and walk up. On the second floor there's people socializing, trying count respect and chalk it up. I'd rather not figure into this equation. The same thing that afflicts me plagues them. The difference when it comes to this disease is that I know it's there and why it happens. Certain parts of my ego have attacked my cells and rebuilt them in the image of itself. My mind had the nerve to infect my brain's nerves in my entire head. There's no doctor who believes that I need this surgery. So I'll do it in the way that's old fashioned. I'll cut by hand with a hacksaw. I started out a schlemiel, but something must have changed. By end of the show I'm acting crazy, signing my name on things. I started out a schlemiel, but something must have changed. Line up, rifles up, place the butts against your shoulders. Come on guys - Fire! Fire! Fire! Line up, rifles up, place the butts against your shoulders. Come on guys - Fire! Fire! Fire! My allies have left me. The wax crawls deeper in my ears. Every layer of skin sticks to my scalp. My hair falls into place. My eyes and nose withold their mucus and my muscles cleverly distribute my weight. Get crunk, get crazy wild like that. Quit patting yourself on the back. Your arm's only trying to do you wrong, pulling strings like you're a marionette. That's that, you dust it off like nothing. All you want to do is enter and leave with a bang. If this is you, then you should shake your thing in the most unflattering way you can imagine. You've got a move that you've been saving in your head, and though you may consider it inappropriate, if you deserve to make yourself feel stupid, get on the floor and show me your shit! From the window, to the wall! Kick your fat head off the second story and watch it fall! From the window, to the wall! Kick your fat head off the second story and watch it fall! From the window, to the wall! Kick your fat head off the second story and watch it fall! From the window, to the wall! Kick your fat head off the second story and watch it fall! Watch it fall! Pouring myself on an audience, under hot lights, sweating like nobody's business, my surliness is provoked. Someone has exposed his genitals and now he's waving it around like a garden hose in the summertime, playing with it, catching the eye of the whole neighborhood. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. And if there's no sex on the dancefloor, and your body's getting colder, then pretend you're bumping into some sexy, sexy, sexy individual. 1999 underground hip hop show. Everybody's moving their head and one arm. But nobody's really dancing 'cause the beat's too slow. Oh! And there aren't too many women 'cause that's the way of it. And the men aren't looking good 'cause they're muggin and their clothes don't fit. But, you got to give 'em some credit 'cause all 4 elements were represented...But what about the one where the muscles you thought you never had start moving in your torso and feet and you go crazy...OH! If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. And if there's no sex on the dancefloor, and your body's getting colder, then pretend you're bumping into some sexy, sexy, sexy individual. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. If there's no sex on the floor and you're moving then we must be doing something right tonight. Ooh hoo! When you go to sleep at night do you wonder...what might happen when you close your eyes. And do you understand how lucky you are that things have been cool so far. Far from where you're at when you're awake deep under the influence of sleep. Far from where you're at when you're awake, deep under the influence of...Sleep. When I wake up things all unfold at once, the scene layed out before me like a caterer would display. And dripping from the drawer; me watching. And falling to the floor; me watching. That was my body, not my mind, at least not the one I'm used to. Those hours don't seem like long, but a lot can happen when you're gone. Without reason everything rearranged and put back upon your return. It's almost like it didn't happen. It's almost like it didn't happen, except that someone left some photographs in your medicine cabinet. When you go to sleep at night do you wonder...what might happen when you close your eyes. And do you understand how lucky you are that things have been cool so far. Far from where you're at when you're awake, deep under the influence of sleep. Far from where you're at when you're awake deep under the influence of...Sleep. Blackouts are not for the insane only. I inhale and exhale slowly. Things speed up 'til everything's too fast again. A perfect opaque to clear transition. Blackouts are not for the insane only. I inhale and exhale slowly. Things speed up 'til everything's too fast again. A perfect opaque to clear transition. But there are in-betweens. There are in-betweens. There'll be in-betweens, so...so know them when you see them! Sleep! Sleep! Far from where you're at when you're awake, deep under the influence of...Sleep! Deep under the influence of...Sleep! Why can my guts ingest what is presented to their presence, and why it that these same bowels cannot contain even the essence of what they obtain? It's frustrating! Why can't I just eat once and have it last forever. It's not that long; I'll probably only live to eighty. And sometimes I get so damn frustrated with my bladder, gallon after gallon just to piss away. Why can't I just eat once and have it last forever. It's not that long; I'll probably only live to eighty. And if my body needs water why do I drink only to urinate? My eyes bigger than my stomach, but my stomach's larger than I could have foreseen. And if I were just to go just a few more days without food or water then I would die. My eyeballs would disappear. My skin would stick to my bones and cartilage. Then maybe I'd be discovered by some local kids, and it would traumatize them. Then maybe they'd remember their nutrition and hydration! Why can't I just eat once and have it last forever. It's not that long; I'll probably only live to eighty. And sometimes I get so damn frustrated with my bladder, gallon after gallon just to piss away. Why can't I just eat once and have it last forever. It's not that long; I'll probably only live to eighty. And sometimes I get so damn frustrated with my bladder, gallon after gallon just to urinate. Why can't I just eat once and have it last forever. It's not that long; I'll probably only live to eighty. And sometimes I get so damn frustrated with my bladder, gallon after gallon just to piss away. Why can't I just eat once and have it last forever. It's not that long; I'll probably only live to eighty. And if my body needs water why do I drink only to urinate? Self imposed ascetic. I've found mountain tops in corners of rooms in my house. Now the bread and water have become a burden to the grandeur of my wreckage. No food, needs bathroom - abandon ship, this is the end. No food, needs bathroom - abandon ship, this is the end. There's top-wind that sits above the hills and the valleys. Sometimes it crouches low, but only to throw rocks at me. Mostly the wind's a river that rolls and runs above me. With certainty and quickness it races towards the sea. Rivers are to be followed as they get thicker 'cause there's more fish and gold as they get bigger. From the delta, to the sea! The wind, over the trees - come down like you did before. The wind, over the trees - come down like you did before. The blue water is a reflection of the sky, they say. Well, so are the fish and waves. I cast my bait. Vertical mirror-image reversal; so fast, it always is. If you face the wrong direction, you plummet and fall to the sea. Oh, it fell to the sea! The wind, over the trees - come down like you did before. The wind, over the trees - come down like you did before. The wind, over the trees - come down like you did before. The wind, over the trees - come down like you did before. Leave the room. Go to the bathroom. Sit down in the kitchen, and have some food. Have a jar of water, and go to bed. And satisfied, pull up the covers. |